So yeah I'm using this journal entry as a chance to dump out some stuff so if you don't like psuedo philosophical musings from a terminally emo angstpile then maybe this one isn't for you, go look at cats jumping off things or something XD
Still here? You sure? I'm sure there's some vines that are worth a look.
Well ok, I guess we're doing this then XD
So being an unemployed degree holding time waster has made me seriously consider some things about the future and my contributions to society in general. Most people are conditioned with this idea that unless you're doing something that directly benefits society, be it providing entertainment, being a parent, working a job that helps people or something else. As a result a lot of unemployed people who are devoting their time to hobbies can end up feeling selfish and like they're not really achieving anything, a poisonous mentality when you're trying to better yourself as a person and instead end up worried about other people more than your own mental and emotional wellbeing. The question on my mind is what constitutes being selfish in this scenario? Is it selfish to want to sit down and play piano and guitar or draw something rather than flipping burgers in a minimum wage job? Is it selfish to wish to produce something that you genuinely hope people will like rather than using your time to produce what you're told to when you're told to? And should someone feel bad for not wanting to create what other's want all the time and instead focus on creating what they wish?
The reason these questions are plaguing me is, as a middish twentyish adultish, I am constantly reminded of how little/much I've achieved in comparison to others my age and the question as to whether I'm being selfish by not doing more is unavoidable. I know women who I went to school with who have 2-3 kids at this point and are full time mothers. I know others who have started a lucrative career and are working their way towards to top of their personal food chain. And here I am....drawing pictures of ponies and playing guitar. Am I selfish because I haven't popped a sprog yet? This also comes from imposter syndrome, a problem I've had as long as I can remember, so I can't mentally accept that what I've done is good enough. I'm an artist, a musician, a degree holder, someone who does everything I can to make people happy and would literally put myself completely out to make others smile....yet it doesn't feel like enough, none of it does. I constantly question my worth and can't accept anyone thinking otherwise of me, it's a literal battle to not tell myself that I'm a useless, worthless waste of oxygen every day. I have a loving family, I have friends who care so much and I have a wonderful boyfriend....and yet I still feel like it would be better off if I was out of the picture. Why is that? Is it depression? Anxiety? Just a general warped view of the world? I literally have no clue and it kinda scares me, I don't want to be ungrateful of those around me and I don't want to be selfish but everything I do literally feels like a waste. I dunno, it's a weird one.
So when I create any piece of art, whether it's fan art or a request or my own stuff, I'm always wondering what the point of it is or whether it's actually worth anything, it's pretty odd. I love when people like the demented doodles I post but I can't fight that voice in my head saying "They're just saying that to be polite, it's actually shit" etc etc, and I do try to soldier on past it and keep working on art and music because words can't describe how much I love them. But I do question why I still do it sometimes, why I fight the voice and don't give up. I should end this emo dump positively by saying if anyone else has these problems I'd love to chat to someone else about it, I can't really afford therapy and I'm a little scared of having 'depression' on my mental health record when I wanna be a teacher. And for everyone else I will say I'm not gonna stop soldiering on, I fought way too fucking hard to get here just to give up so that ain't happening. I just might go emo about it now and then. :'3